I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
