My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
