I will die if light touches me.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bring me that man meat
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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