it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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