in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
