I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
