I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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