are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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