my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
