allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
