Umm I'm too high to move.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
this hospital has no fireball
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
