The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
