I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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