Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
