Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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