I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
