Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
