I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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