Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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