So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
is wine microwaveable?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
