all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
