I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
