Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
