We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
