So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
