My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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