??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
