I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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