wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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