Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
