Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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