If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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