wrigley field is MILF paradise
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
