did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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