Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
