i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
