if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
