I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
