you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
