that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
