Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
