hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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