i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
