On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Vodka?
Forever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
