does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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