FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
