Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
