Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
