There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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