we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I love you. Go after that dick
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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