At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
