I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
