Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
